Over the years during middle school, I clearly remember trying to change myself. I’d tell myself who I’d “be” the following year, what I would wear, how I would talk, etc. Yes, you can say I was a very interesting girl. But, the thing is, that I was always afraid of not being accepted and of being considered different than other people. I wanted to conceal my “weirdness” so that I could assimilate into a “normal” society. This kind of reminds me of the Disney movie, “The Incredibles”, in which a family of super heroes hide that they have special powers by refraining from using them outside of their household. I felt like an Incredible most of the time. It was almost as if I was trapped inside. Only my thoughts expressed my true feelings and the outside was a mirror that reflected my confused mindset.
I am the kind of person who is heavily influenced by what is around me. I have had definite phases of my life in which I wanted to completely change my identity. The shows I watched determined the way I spoke, dressed and acted; sometimes so much, that these qualities became my own. After watching “That’s So Raven” so much, the phrase “snap!” became a common vocabulary word for me. After seeing the movie “Freaky Friday,” I was inspired to learn to play guitar and developed a sort of “rock star” persona. I felt like I was playing a role; that I had to wear dark eyeliner and listen to all of these bands to truly be a guitarist. I had to prove to people that I was for real. Years later, I look back at these awkward stages in my life and realize that they helped me. After a year or so, the rock image faded away and I slowly became myself again. I still play guitar to this day, but I don’t go “all out” to feel like I have proven what I am or that I am true about my hobbies.
About two years ago, I realized that I am Spanish. Now, I know this may sound a little weird, but it is true according to my Hispanic friends. In the past years, I have dedicated myself to learn and become part of their community; not because I felt as if I had to but because it seemed to be my true calling. Deep inside I feel a connection with the Spanish language, it’s culture, people, and food. I couldn’t get rid of this quality of mine no matter how hard I tried. I’ve realized that this will always be a part of me; it will never change. Unlike the other habits I forced upon myself to obtain and perform, my Spanish identity is true. When reading this poem, Maybe Dats Your Pwoblem Too, I thought of what super power I’ve “had” or “have” and what comes with it. Unlike all the other “personalities” I’ve possessed, there is one that will never be erased. That personality is my fwame wesistent suit. Spanish is my super power. No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop liking that language and its people. I cannot disconnect myself from them no matter what. So, in conclusion, those parts of us which are fwame wesistent are those that last longer than an in-the-moment feeling and cannot be faded by consistent washing like blue jeans. Things that are part of us like freckles that are part of the skin, or for example, the way we think. They can’t be rid of because they are so concrete. I have learned to love who I am and to not put on airs. I cannot be somebody I am not though I may want to. I know how Spiderman feels but we all have qualities that make up who we are and we know without them we’d be indefinable. Like he said in the poem, I can’t just quit being Troutwoman. I’m Troutwoman for life. Fowever. (674)
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